a first.

most new moms get the first smile...the first steps...the first words. with sophie, we didn't get any of those things. not even her first birthday. but the things we experienced, and continue to experience, are better because they're ours.

sometimes i think about the days soon after we brought our first daughter home from korea. i wanted so much to be the one she loved; for her to feel like my baby, but to be honest, sometimes it was hard. she didn't speak a word of english at 13 months so communication was hard. when she did speak it was in korean. she would walk around our house, looking in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the bathroom searching for her 'um ma'...her korean foster mom and the only woman she had ever known or loved. i know she missed her so much. sometimes when i wanted to comfort her, i would call her by her korean name, na ra, and when i did, she would stare at me as if begging me to tell her what had happened and more importantly, how it could be undone. those first weeks were beautifully difficult.

in the midst of feeling so joyful in having our baby girl with us, i was so sad for her and so overwhelmed at trying to love her through the loss of her old life.

about three weeks after she came to us, i had an experience that i think i will always remember; something that still means so much.

she had woken up in the middle of the night. scared or hungry or just out of habit. i walked into her room and picked her up from her crib and sat down in the rocker. as i was rocking her, i whispered to her about how much i loved her. it was quiet and dark and lovely. just me and her. out of no where, sophie looked at me and smiled. she sat up and gently grabbed my face and gave me a kiss. a first. and with that, she felt mine.

the days and months that followed were filled with challenges, but slowly, she forgot about her 'past' life and she fell in love with us and if at all possible, we feel even more for her, too. her personality bloomed and our little girl was reborn.

it was from her rebirth that our family began. everything we have now, began with her.

sophie starts kindergarten in one week...and i'm finding it hard to believe that my girl is growing up and away. but i am finding great joy in the memories of all of our firsts...and with sophie about to conquer the world of elementary education, i am certain i'm in for a great deal more.