i have no job. but i do have work.

so the thing about not having a job to go to...well...it's pretty awesome...but it's also wicked scary.

now that i have the chance to be at home for a stretch (have you heard?!), i am finding that there are two sides to this metaphorical coin. one the one hand, i'm so excited and feel so blessed to even have this chance...but there are these moments that it's hard not to focus on the flip side...the reality that when someone asks me what it is that i do, my answer will be 'i stay at home with my kids'.

the truth is, i am actively searching for another job...something that works better with our family's schedule and that would max out at about 20 hours per week...so i feel a little like a cheat considering this is only a 'short term gig' but still...it feels like the days where i am career focused are gone. like the time when i found fulfillment in an accomplishment at work are distant. and it scares me.

my whole life, i have put so much value on the success that is easy to come by in the working world. when you're a good employee, you get a raise, or a big office, or a promotion. that is the beautiful and uncomplicated tangible truth. but when you're a good mom, what do you get? you still end the day with a load of laundry and sticky hands.

the dichotomy of what i'm feeling makes me want to punch myself in my own face (ok, not really, but you get what i'm saying, right?). i feel like i have been dreaming of this day since 2006 when we brought sophie home from the airport, but three more children later and now that it's here, i wonder how i will settle into this role of 'stay at home mom'.

why, i wonder, can't i just be happy? i think about it all the time. my whole life i have put so much value on the prestige of my work, and now that my work is the task of raising my little people, why does there seem to be so little value? and definitely no big office.

my secret is that i want to feel like i'm important (eeek...is that ok to say? i hope i'm not alone). i want to feel like i contribute to society...and while i have always longed to be at home with my kids, for an equal amount of time, i have realized that the work of raising children lacks, for me, a feeling of importance. not to be mistaken for fulfillment...that's a whole different ball game, but importance. the sense that what i am doing matters to anyone outside of my own household. of course my kids love me (and of course i adore them more than anything) and i know that what i am giving them is an amazing gift...but they don't know it yet. and maybe they never will. it's only now, as an adult, that i can recognize the huge sacrifices that my parents made for me in terms of their 'life outside of being a parent'. sometimes, as i fill their drink cups and change their poop filled diapers, it just doesn't feel important. it feels...mundane.

even in the mundane, though, there is always joy. and love and laughter and i am grateful. so how does this all come together?

recently, i have struggled with the balancing the joy that is present within parenting with the desire for it to translate into my overall sense of purpose...and here's why. a lot of the time i am operating on auto-pilot. shocked? yeah...not so much. somewhere along the way, between my work, my husband, my family, my dog, my house, my car, cooking dinner and fetching the mail, i have kind of forgotten what it is that i like to do. if someone asked me what my hobbies are or what i do in my spare time, i don't think that any of my answers would include anything fun. my spare time is filled up with tasks that keep my life moving forward. laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the vents, and killing rouge flies that taunt my sweet ellee. and the thought of plucking myself out of my 'normal' life and trying to engage in something that is just for me, seems like crazy talk. but it shouldn't. this auto-pilot mode has kind of blinded me to the fun i am about to have. i'm so excited to spend some time with my kids...and to spend some time with myself...because when i can do that, i know it will help to make me a better mom, wife, sister, friend...just a better and happier person.

am i still scared? absolutely. but tomorrow i will wake up and i will feed my kids, get them dressed and we will go about our ordinary day. i'm excited and scared...and maybe more than anything, i am eager. i'm smart enough to want to get from this every good thing that i can...because the day will come that i will remember the moments that are collected over then next chapter of my life and when that day comes to remember...it will feel so important.