awww man. another week done. i almost feel a sense of sadness as the months fly by - does anyone else ever feel sad when they turn the page on the calendar? with each new month, i always think toward what's ahead. march is a doozie. sophie...my goofy peanut face princess fuchsia, as she prefers to be called...is turning 4. these 3 years with sophie in our lives have seriously FLOWN by. i can literally envision her graduation, her wedding and her children!!! i know, i am getting ahead of myself, but i gotta reflect...it's my thing. she has blessed us - she continues to bless us. sophie began matt and me as parents - she was the first of our trio and what we thought may be our last. she was our baby...but she's growing up. aghast.
i have seen so many changes in sophie just over the last month. she has really become a helper. when ellee is freaking out, sophie calms her. when casey needs a diaper change, she grabs the wipes for me. when i am in the kitchen cookin' up dinner, she wants her hands in the mix too. gone are the days where we were required to entertain her, she is now the star of her own show - and she seems to be loving every minute. my baby, sophia kelly goofy peanut face princess fuchsia is growing up and will be 4 on march 11.
ellee is becoming a full on kid before my eyes. she is seriously the funniest thing i have ever encountered. she entertains me every minute i am with her. she and sophie are dependant on one another - when the other is out of the room, they know it. it's almost like they're one mind in two bodies. nothing is better than when they hold full on conversations with each other. they usually go something like this...'hahti, where blanket go?' (ellee always knows 'where blanket go', she just thinks it's funny to ask everyone, all the time, 'where blanket go?') sophie will respond with 'ellee, uuuugggghhh, your blanket is in your hand/under your butt/on the floor/whatever is appropriate.' they are a mighty force to be reckoned with and trust me, you don't want to mess with double trouble.
i am reminded that march will bring the 1st birthday of my little man. casey will be one - one year since i had my last baby. uggghhhh. i can hardly believe it. casey has been a blessing from the day we found out that we would have him. as many of you know, my pregnancy with him was a bit difficult. i had some early problems, some middle problems and some end problems! seriously, there were days when i thought we would lose him and it was terrifying. finally, the day came for him to be born. when he came out, he cried. and i cried. i was overwhelmed at the gift we had been given. casey has completed the family and is a joy. he laughs, he eats and he moves. sophie and ellee dote on him, so much so that i am confident his future wife will hate them! i am convinced that he will be walking soon - maybe another 8 weeks - and then he will be unstoppable. i love casey's sweet spirit. i love that we have been given the days to cuddle him, and to hold his hands and to comfort him. everyday i am thankful for him.
all of this conversation about my kids is yet another reminder of the days when i thought that these feelings would elude me. remembering that i used to never want children is shameful to me. i never wanted to have them for the same reason that i hate watching intense movies or tv shows; i hate to invest my emotions. it's scary to love something so much. so scary. it's uncontrollable. knowing that i cannot help but to give them all of my self - so much so that i keep changing in order to give them what they need at this moment.
i watched the movie 'hope floats' tonight. in it, the main character talks about when she was young. when walking down the street, she says, people would notice her and she would feel like she was special. she would be who she was in the eyes of those who love her. something about this really struck me. i have often thought about how much i have changed since motherhood struck. i remember the days when i felt pretty and fun and rested! i am sure that other people saw in me somethings too. those days where i look to what others think are gone - but not in a sad or wasted way. for now, i am what others see me as, it's true. but it's ok. i am a tired mom who drives a minivan. i wear old clothes so my kids can have new ones. i eat sandwiches for lunch instead of going out and i color my own hair. are there days when i have looked better - absolutely. are there days that i have had a grater purpose - absolutely not. i am shannon, see me yawn...i am mom, see me roar.
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