ellee is a night owl...just like her mom! she goes to bed without complaint each night around 7:30pm along with sophie and casey (we are sticklers for bed time and always have been!!), but ellee will often busy herself with songs, story telling or playing with her animals for a bit before she falls asleep. tonight was a doozy...from the living room i could hear her singing 'wonderpets' over and over again until i finally had to get it on video!
the great thing is that sophie sleeps right through it all!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
lock these away - they are my life's truth
a few new things i just want to remember...
1. i am married to the most wonderful and caring man who loves me no matter what i say or do or look like. when i am afraid of what's in my own head, he calms my mind. when i am upset, he lets me storm around the house. when i get home from work and immediately strip off my 'nice' clothes only to be replaced by old maternity clothes that prove to be the most comfy, he gives me a hug - and he means it. he is a dad and a believer and daily i am amazed that he is my husband.
for a really long time when we were first married, i was really afraid that matt would 'change his mind' and that he would leave me in pieces. i would do and say things that would test his faithfulness to me. i was so familiar with a family that included divorce, that i, in a way, assumed that mine could, or would, end the same way. matt said then, as he says now, that he will never leave me. that he is my partner in everything that i do. that even if i make him crazy the rest of his life, he will stand by my side - shoulder to shoulder.
sometimes i am overwhelmed at the blessing. i adore him and i am left without words when i try and describe what he has done for me - what he continues to do for me. i have been allowed a soul mate - a second half of myself that allows me to be me. i love him and am grateful for him everyday.
2. i love my children. i know that i am a bit biased, but i think that they are the most remarkable little people who have ever lived. sophie is a princess. she flits and dances around her world like she has no feet - only wings. what's even more amazing to me is that she loves me! she adores me. in her eyes, i am truth. she trusts the words that come from my mouth and that holds such responsibility for me. what a gift to have the opportunity to help shape her - to show her love and faith and family. sometimes i will be watching her and suddenly i will think of the women who grew her in her belly. i will remember the sacrifice and wonder if she thinks of the baby she gave up - maybe she never even held her? i will think of her biological relatives in korea. her birth father who does not know she exists. her three biological brothers - do they look like her or think like her or have crazy feet like her? none of it matters most moments - but it will all be very important to sophie - not today - but some day.
ellee is an emotional wreck. she pours her heart into every activity. running in the yard ends in tears when she gets grass in her shoes. she is passionate and loving and in every way she is a perfect combination of matt and me. i love to watch her interact with other people because she thinks so much about every word. i think she could be anything - a dancer, an astronaut, a comedian or the president. she is amazing.
just last week casey began taking his first steps. already, just a few days later, he is cruising around the house like he owns the place! he is smiley and laughing and mischievous. he understands the word 'no' and to acknowledge you, he shoots you a million dollar grin and then goes on his merry way doing whatever the heck he wants to. what a gem. what a spitfire - we love him to bits!
some of my favorite kid interactions need to be locked away forever on this blog...so here goes!!
1. sophie at the kitchen table covering her ears and shouting 'ellee be quiet, you're giving me a headache!!!'. this is in response to ellee's refusal to eat anything that is not a hot dog or a cookie. she will also eat chips. nice. if presented with anything else, she crys.
2. casey's refusal to step with bare feet on the grass
3. sophie helping ellee to get dressed in the morning - or whenever she feels like finding new clothes for ellee to put on
4. ellee demanding that i sing the 'wonder pets' theme song at various levels of volume...whenever she deems it necessary.
5. ellee refuses to have ANY cups in the bath - she will certainly let you know when she sees one by screaming and throwing it out.
6. sophie and ellee 'giving me their hearts' before i leave for work in the morning. they also want me to give them my heart (i did that a looong time ago, girls!). it's awesome - everyday we do this. it's partly where the new tatt came from.
7. ellee's insane ratty hair. seriously, every morning it looks like a rat's nest and it kills me when matt does not brush it all day.
8. sophie's non-hair. it grows as fast as...ok, i cannot think of anything slow enough to compare it to...it's that slow.
9. ellee's booty dance. 'go ellee go ellee, shake your booty shake your booty, take it down, bring it up! HI.LAR.IOUS.
10. seriously - the fun in these lists is that they could go on and on...back to the first sentence of this paragraph. my kids are amazing. :)
although my last post hinted (ok ok, screamed a loud and obnoxious scream) at a bit of discontent in my life, please do not get the wrong idea. although life is complex and God's plan for us is so hard to decipher sometimes, my discontent does not have anything to do with my family. the four people who i get to come home to everyday are a reminder to me that God is so great and full of grace and love and all that he offers is hopeful. i adore them and everyday, i count my blessings...one, two, three, and four. :)
1. i am married to the most wonderful and caring man who loves me no matter what i say or do or look like. when i am afraid of what's in my own head, he calms my mind. when i am upset, he lets me storm around the house. when i get home from work and immediately strip off my 'nice' clothes only to be replaced by old maternity clothes that prove to be the most comfy, he gives me a hug - and he means it. he is a dad and a believer and daily i am amazed that he is my husband.
for a really long time when we were first married, i was really afraid that matt would 'change his mind' and that he would leave me in pieces. i would do and say things that would test his faithfulness to me. i was so familiar with a family that included divorce, that i, in a way, assumed that mine could, or would, end the same way. matt said then, as he says now, that he will never leave me. that he is my partner in everything that i do. that even if i make him crazy the rest of his life, he will stand by my side - shoulder to shoulder.
sometimes i am overwhelmed at the blessing. i adore him and i am left without words when i try and describe what he has done for me - what he continues to do for me. i have been allowed a soul mate - a second half of myself that allows me to be me. i love him and am grateful for him everyday.
2. i love my children. i know that i am a bit biased, but i think that they are the most remarkable little people who have ever lived. sophie is a princess. she flits and dances around her world like she has no feet - only wings. what's even more amazing to me is that she loves me! she adores me. in her eyes, i am truth. she trusts the words that come from my mouth and that holds such responsibility for me. what a gift to have the opportunity to help shape her - to show her love and faith and family. sometimes i will be watching her and suddenly i will think of the women who grew her in her belly. i will remember the sacrifice and wonder if she thinks of the baby she gave up - maybe she never even held her? i will think of her biological relatives in korea. her birth father who does not know she exists. her three biological brothers - do they look like her or think like her or have crazy feet like her? none of it matters most moments - but it will all be very important to sophie - not today - but some day.
ellee is an emotional wreck. she pours her heart into every activity. running in the yard ends in tears when she gets grass in her shoes. she is passionate and loving and in every way she is a perfect combination of matt and me. i love to watch her interact with other people because she thinks so much about every word. i think she could be anything - a dancer, an astronaut, a comedian or the president. she is amazing.
just last week casey began taking his first steps. already, just a few days later, he is cruising around the house like he owns the place! he is smiley and laughing and mischievous. he understands the word 'no' and to acknowledge you, he shoots you a million dollar grin and then goes on his merry way doing whatever the heck he wants to. what a gem. what a spitfire - we love him to bits!
some of my favorite kid interactions need to be locked away forever on this blog...so here goes!!
1. sophie at the kitchen table covering her ears and shouting 'ellee be quiet, you're giving me a headache!!!'. this is in response to ellee's refusal to eat anything that is not a hot dog or a cookie. she will also eat chips. nice. if presented with anything else, she crys.
2. casey's refusal to step with bare feet on the grass
3. sophie helping ellee to get dressed in the morning - or whenever she feels like finding new clothes for ellee to put on
4. ellee demanding that i sing the 'wonder pets' theme song at various levels of volume...whenever she deems it necessary.
5. ellee refuses to have ANY cups in the bath - she will certainly let you know when she sees one by screaming and throwing it out.
6. sophie and ellee 'giving me their hearts' before i leave for work in the morning. they also want me to give them my heart (i did that a looong time ago, girls!). it's awesome - everyday we do this. it's partly where the new tatt came from.
7. ellee's insane ratty hair. seriously, every morning it looks like a rat's nest and it kills me when matt does not brush it all day.
8. sophie's non-hair. it grows as fast as...ok, i cannot think of anything slow enough to compare it to...it's that slow.
9. ellee's booty dance. 'go ellee go ellee, shake your booty shake your booty, take it down, bring it up! HI.LAR.IOUS.
10. seriously - the fun in these lists is that they could go on and on...back to the first sentence of this paragraph. my kids are amazing. :)
although my last post hinted (ok ok, screamed a loud and obnoxious scream) at a bit of discontent in my life, please do not get the wrong idea. although life is complex and God's plan for us is so hard to decipher sometimes, my discontent does not have anything to do with my family. the four people who i get to come home to everyday are a reminder to me that God is so great and full of grace and love and all that he offers is hopeful. i adore them and everyday, i count my blessings...one, two, three, and four. :)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
too much time to think...and embracing my discontent
so some things i have been contemplating....
ok so my first revelation, of sorts, came in the form of a frustrating weekend. there had been weeks of birthdays which came full with a lot of planning and well thought out days. everything from shopping trips to special baking projects to parties at home - we planned a lot and these days were precious. last weekend, although it was easter, was one of the first in a long time where we just did not have a lot going on. i thought it would be wonderful - what could be better than a relaxing weekend at home with the kids. maybe it was the weather (cold!) or maybe it was the mess (i had fallen behind on house 'stuff' over the course of the week) but what we had was nothing like i had imagined. the kids were naughty, the house was frustrating, and matt and i were crabby. the weekend was a bust - is it because i had planned nothing? with three young children, is it necessary to plan out the days? maybe. keeping in mind that there are going to be issues that pop up regardless of how much we plan - maybe in order to have fun, we need to think it through...hmmm....i am going to keep testing this theory and i will keep you updated. how exciting right...seriously, how will you sleep at nights?
ok ok...my next thought...i have been STRESSING lately about working full time. in a time like this, with so many economic factors that we cannot control, it has been ingrained in me to be thankful for the job that i have. last year at this time, we were living at TCC and PRAYING that something would come through...that some job would present itself so that we could see a direction. that job came and we moved, thankful for work, to minnesota. so now that we are here, how come i am so miserable. for so long, i thought things would get better - that it would be easier to work and be away from my babies and to balance a life that often feels like a juggling act. i feel tonight that the time has come for me to say 'out loud' that it is not easy. in fact, i think it's impossible. i feel bad all the time - if not about leaving the kids, then it's about not doing the laundry or wash or yard work...you get the drift. sometimes, it seems, that God's gifts are not always what we want....maybe it's a 'be careful what you wish for' kind of thing.
finding my way through this mess is hard and knowing how to find the joy in these days is a challenge. i am embarrassed to be back at the start of things. back where my prayer is, again, to find direction - except this time, my prayer is to understand the lesson in what we have experienced over the last year. i want to listen and learn and see the result of this effort. but more than anything...i want to be at home, with my babies. i want to be the mom that i know i can be. i want to see my kids faces in the morning and not hear them cry when i leave. i want to know what they eat for lunch and when they have poopy diapers. i want to kiss them when they hurt and be present as they experience the things that shape their character....i don't know how or when, but i am praying that this happens for me. i take comfort knowing that all things are possible through the One who loves me - even if i am clueless.
thanks for being 'with' me in this and i ask for your continued prayers!
be well all.
ok so my first revelation, of sorts, came in the form of a frustrating weekend. there had been weeks of birthdays which came full with a lot of planning and well thought out days. everything from shopping trips to special baking projects to parties at home - we planned a lot and these days were precious. last weekend, although it was easter, was one of the first in a long time where we just did not have a lot going on. i thought it would be wonderful - what could be better than a relaxing weekend at home with the kids. maybe it was the weather (cold!) or maybe it was the mess (i had fallen behind on house 'stuff' over the course of the week) but what we had was nothing like i had imagined. the kids were naughty, the house was frustrating, and matt and i were crabby. the weekend was a bust - is it because i had planned nothing? with three young children, is it necessary to plan out the days? maybe. keeping in mind that there are going to be issues that pop up regardless of how much we plan - maybe in order to have fun, we need to think it through...hmmm....i am going to keep testing this theory and i will keep you updated. how exciting right...seriously, how will you sleep at nights?
ok ok...my next thought...i have been STRESSING lately about working full time. in a time like this, with so many economic factors that we cannot control, it has been ingrained in me to be thankful for the job that i have. last year at this time, we were living at TCC and PRAYING that something would come through...that some job would present itself so that we could see a direction. that job came and we moved, thankful for work, to minnesota. so now that we are here, how come i am so miserable. for so long, i thought things would get better - that it would be easier to work and be away from my babies and to balance a life that often feels like a juggling act. i feel tonight that the time has come for me to say 'out loud' that it is not easy. in fact, i think it's impossible. i feel bad all the time - if not about leaving the kids, then it's about not doing the laundry or wash or yard work...you get the drift. sometimes, it seems, that God's gifts are not always what we want....maybe it's a 'be careful what you wish for' kind of thing.
finding my way through this mess is hard and knowing how to find the joy in these days is a challenge. i am embarrassed to be back at the start of things. back where my prayer is, again, to find direction - except this time, my prayer is to understand the lesson in what we have experienced over the last year. i want to listen and learn and see the result of this effort. but more than anything...i want to be at home, with my babies. i want to be the mom that i know i can be. i want to see my kids faces in the morning and not hear them cry when i leave. i want to know what they eat for lunch and when they have poopy diapers. i want to kiss them when they hurt and be present as they experience the things that shape their character....i don't know how or when, but i am praying that this happens for me. i take comfort knowing that all things are possible through the One who loves me - even if i am clueless.
thanks for being 'with' me in this and i ask for your continued prayers!
be well all.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
it's the simple things...
bath night makes for yummy smelling kiddos and beautiful family 'stuff.' there are so many 'life' issues that fill our days with an overwhelming opaque fog - whether it's work or money or chores - it's sometimes hard to determine what gets your immediate attention. it's nights like tonight when the sun shines through our front window and the kids are clean and fed and matt and i are both home - its these times when the fog clears and the things that are important stare you in the face. here's to priorities!!
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