sophie's start...bringing us back....

it's friday, it's snowing and i found out that another friend is adopting! hearing that sue is began the process of adopting from haiti made me feel two things this morning: jealous and nostalgic. for those of you who waded through our own adoption journey with us might be shocked to hear me talking about wanting to relive those day, but it's true. even though they were so hard, i also remember feeling so alive in the process. we were doing something. we were actively pursuing God's will. it was gut-wrenching, but exhilarating. more than anything, i knew that in the end, we would have our daughter. amazing.

in any case, sue's process prompted me to look back at some of the old documents i have on my hard drive that we used throughout our own adoption. below is a reflection i put together as part of a grant application. while we didn't get the grant, what i got this morning was worth so much more. this story brought me BACK! here is a piece of it below...

I say now that I always new that my path to motherhood would not be “average”. I always knew that I would not be able to have biological children. Growing up I would guard myself from this inner truth by convincing others that I just didn’t want to have a family.

When I became a Christian at 18, I began to understand that my lifelong intuition about being unable to have biological children was in fact the voice of the Holy Spirit. It was God preparing my heart for what was ahead of me. Still, though, it wasn’t until I met husband that I allowed myself to ignore this truth and daydream about having a baby.

Two years into our marriage when we decided to begin our family, after several months, I went to the doctor for a complete work-up. By this time, the noise inside my excitement drowned out what I always knew to be true - that is until what I had been hearing in my heart since childhood was heard for the first time - out loud - by my doctor. The words “without in-vitro fertilization, you will not be able to conceive a child of our own” were spoken and in an instant, we were changed.

We were devastated. Truly we were lost in emotion. We were drifting – away from our friends, away from our family, away from each other. These months seemed to consume us and I began to wonder if this was what my life would be like.

About this same time, a dear friend of ours began to realize a lifelong dream of her own. She was nearing the end of her adoption journey. Her daughter, Elizabeth, was coming home soon and I remember so clearly thinking to myself that I would never want to adopt – it’s too expensive, too hard, too time consuming – I had so many excuses. Somehow though, I could not stop thinking about it.

Nadia and her husband Mark left for China on November 26, 2004 to meet their baby and to bring her home. I was on pins and needles, glued to my computer waiting to hear from them. Days past and then finally – an email message. I double clicked on Nadia’s email and instantly began to sob. What appeared on my screen was an image of God’s will come to life– it was the most beautiful picture of Elizabeth’s 'gotcha' moment. I cried at my desk. I cried for my grief, I cried for the year I had wasted feeling so sad, I cried because I had been so blind. When I saw those pictures, more than anything, I felt the breeze of the Holy Spirit move through my life. At that moment so many things were made clear to me. I heard so clearly in my heart a voice that said Matt and I would build our family through adoption…and we needed to do it now because our baby was waiting for us.

That night, lying in bed, I was quiet. I didn’t know how to tell Matt the news. How would it sound if I said “Matt, the Holy Spirit moved through me today and God told me we should adopt…and oh yeah, and we need to start now.” Before I could figure out what to say, Matt leaned over and said good night. In return, I blurted out “I think we should adopt”. To my surprise, his response was “me too”.

It turns out that he had been hesitant to talk with me because he thought I wasn’t ready to hear him. In truth, I think he was right – God needed to make it clear to us both before we could come together on this decision to begin our family. We began to pray and pray and pray. God answered us by allowing us peace like I had dreamed of. The excuses that once filled my mind were now ludicrous. Knowing that this was the will of God, our anxiety was gone and we knew that any hurdle we would face would be overcome. In the weeks to follow, we began our adoption journey and within just months from now, we will welcome home our first daughter, Sophia Kelly, from Korea.