and who do you think you are?

there have been so many things spinning in this brain of mine...stirred on, perhaps, by God speaking to my heart. don't you agree that you are so much more likely to find an answer or a new direction when you're not really looking, but rather just trying to survive?!

here's the deal - i have been thinking about writing a book. eeek...it sounds so presumptuous to even write that sentence. who do i think i am, right?! people who write books know things. they have information to share or wisdom to pass on. they have experience beyond that of the ordinary folk like me and they are gifted enough to write it down in a way that then educates and inspires people. if not that, then at least they can tell a good story!

i don't assume that any of these things are true of me. no no. i fully embrace the fact that i am just a normal person with a normal story - i am the every man (or every woman in this case :) )

but here's the deal....i know myself enough to recognize how i learn - it's through reflection. i could never do flashcards or timed tests. from kindergarten to now - my method for learning something is through writing it out - and then reflecting on it. this is why i want to write a book - i think it would help me to be a better version of myself. even more, i want to write a book because i think that for whatever reason, it's something that God intends for the tapestry of my life.

so...am i crazy? absolutely. is this the things that makes me crazy? absolutely not. so...who do i think i am? i guess i think i'm a writer.

just thought casey needed a shout out...

sometimes i feel like the schans men get a bit blognored - that is to say they get less 'play' on the blog - let's remedy this. below are some recent casey shots. see, we do love him. :) next target - matt. i will see what i can do about that one!

taking out the trash and other simple things

i am finally getting over a bout with a nasty illness and can finally begin to see things without a drug induced fog - ahhhh, life is good.

tonight i am indulging in some simple pleasures...it's amazing to me that such silly things still are so thrilling to me. first, i was able to go with sophie and watch as she participated in her very first dance class! i was literally beaming with pride. she looked as cute as could be in her little dance outfit. i told folks today that i was going to live out my childhood fantasy through sophie. i outfitted her with a bedazzled black leotard, a little black chiffon dance skirt and a pair of pink tights. all of these accessories paled in comparison to the smile on sophie's face when i opened the box to show her the new black patten leather shoes with fancy tap bottoms. she could hardly breathe - she was so excited. less so about the ballet slippers, but she got into them too when she realized that those were the shoes she would get to 'spin' in. for her first time, she did amazing. i am never prepared for how fearless she is - what a blessing. she sidled right up to the other dancers. no formal introductions were necessary - they all spoke the common language of 'dance'. hysterical .

surprisingly, ellee was super into the get up too - i sometimes forget that her little spirit is delicate - even if her demeanor is that of a line backer. when soph and i were looking at her dance gear, ellee grabbed the shoes and slipped them on. for every svelte move that sophie executed in the living room, ellee copied - and she did it well! i think that she may have a future at white bear dance academy as well! she is such a good reminder that one can never judge a book by it's cover. god has given her such a sweet heart - i cannot say enough how much i feel a connection to her. what a gift.

not surprisingly, casey had nothing to do with the dance fiasco. fear not - his days of athletic dominance will be upon us soon - his dad assures me. for now, i feel like he should focus on sitting up without help.

once sophie and i got home, it was dinner and bed for the kiddos. matt and i were able to chat a bit before he was off to work. i then was able to revel in the simple chores that fill my evenings. seriously, i feel like this is a direct answer to prayer! i have so enjoyed the tasks that owning a home brings. tonight in particular, i took out the trash. a task not to be taken for granted after years of trudging trash across sidewalks and parking lots only to throw it into raccoon infested dumpsters. yuck.

on to another task accomplished - home renovation. as is always the case in home improvement projects, i owe a dept of gratitude to my sister who helped me paint my kitchen. some pictures of our adventure are below. as i was snapping shots, i mentioned to heather that i am pretty sure i have the same images of her painting something in some room of every house we have ever lived in. what can i say, i would be lost without her.

life is moving fast and we are trying to enjoy these small details. our prayer is that we can seek out the will of God while enjoying the bessings he pours over us each day.

sophie's start...bringing us back....

it's friday, it's snowing and i found out that another friend is adopting! hearing that sue is began the process of adopting from haiti made me feel two things this morning: jealous and nostalgic. for those of you who waded through our own adoption journey with us might be shocked to hear me talking about wanting to relive those day, but it's true. even though they were so hard, i also remember feeling so alive in the process. we were doing something. we were actively pursuing God's will. it was gut-wrenching, but exhilarating. more than anything, i knew that in the end, we would have our daughter. amazing.

in any case, sue's process prompted me to look back at some of the old documents i have on my hard drive that we used throughout our own adoption. below is a reflection i put together as part of a grant application. while we didn't get the grant, what i got this morning was worth so much more. this story brought me BACK! here is a piece of it below...

I say now that I always new that my path to motherhood would not be “average”. I always knew that I would not be able to have biological children. Growing up I would guard myself from this inner truth by convincing others that I just didn’t want to have a family.

When I became a Christian at 18, I began to understand that my lifelong intuition about being unable to have biological children was in fact the voice of the Holy Spirit. It was God preparing my heart for what was ahead of me. Still, though, it wasn’t until I met husband that I allowed myself to ignore this truth and daydream about having a baby.

Two years into our marriage when we decided to begin our family, after several months, I went to the doctor for a complete work-up. By this time, the noise inside my excitement drowned out what I always knew to be true - that is until what I had been hearing in my heart since childhood was heard for the first time - out loud - by my doctor. The words “without in-vitro fertilization, you will not be able to conceive a child of our own” were spoken and in an instant, we were changed.

We were devastated. Truly we were lost in emotion. We were drifting – away from our friends, away from our family, away from each other. These months seemed to consume us and I began to wonder if this was what my life would be like.

About this same time, a dear friend of ours began to realize a lifelong dream of her own. She was nearing the end of her adoption journey. Her daughter, Elizabeth, was coming home soon and I remember so clearly thinking to myself that I would never want to adopt – it’s too expensive, too hard, too time consuming – I had so many excuses. Somehow though, I could not stop thinking about it.

Nadia and her husband Mark left for China on November 26, 2004 to meet their baby and to bring her home. I was on pins and needles, glued to my computer waiting to hear from them. Days past and then finally – an email message. I double clicked on Nadia’s email and instantly began to sob. What appeared on my screen was an image of God’s will come to life– it was the most beautiful picture of Elizabeth’s 'gotcha' moment. I cried at my desk. I cried for my grief, I cried for the year I had wasted feeling so sad, I cried because I had been so blind. When I saw those pictures, more than anything, I felt the breeze of the Holy Spirit move through my life. At that moment so many things were made clear to me. I heard so clearly in my heart a voice that said Matt and I would build our family through adoption…and we needed to do it now because our baby was waiting for us.

That night, lying in bed, I was quiet. I didn’t know how to tell Matt the news. How would it sound if I said “Matt, the Holy Spirit moved through me today and God told me we should adopt…and oh yeah, and we need to start now.” Before I could figure out what to say, Matt leaned over and said good night. In return, I blurted out “I think we should adopt”. To my surprise, his response was “me too”.

It turns out that he had been hesitant to talk with me because he thought I wasn’t ready to hear him. In truth, I think he was right – God needed to make it clear to us both before we could come together on this decision to begin our family. We began to pray and pray and pray. God answered us by allowing us peace like I had dreamed of. The excuses that once filled my mind were now ludicrous. Knowing that this was the will of God, our anxiety was gone and we knew that any hurdle we would face would be overcome. In the weeks to follow, we began our adoption journey and within just months from now, we will welcome home our first daughter, Sophia Kelly, from Korea.