too much time to think...and embracing my discontent

so some things i have been contemplating....

ok so my first revelation, of sorts, came in the form of a frustrating weekend. there had been weeks of birthdays which came full with a lot of planning and well thought out days. everything from shopping trips to special baking projects to parties at home - we planned a lot and these days were precious. last weekend, although it was easter, was one of the first in a long time where we just did not have a lot going on. i thought it would be wonderful - what could be better than a relaxing weekend at home with the kids. maybe it was the weather (cold!) or maybe it was the mess (i had fallen behind on house 'stuff' over the course of the week) but what we had was nothing like i had imagined. the kids were naughty, the house was frustrating, and matt and i were crabby. the weekend was a bust - is it because i had planned nothing? with three young children, is it necessary to plan out the days? maybe. keeping in mind that there are going to be issues that pop up regardless of how much we plan - maybe in order to have fun, we need to think it through...hmmm....i am going to keep testing this theory and i will keep you updated. how exciting right...seriously, how will you sleep at nights?

ok ok...my next thought...i have been STRESSING lately about working full time. in a time like this, with so many economic factors that we cannot control, it has been ingrained in me to be thankful for the job that i have. last year at this time, we were living at TCC and PRAYING that something would come through...that some job would present itself so that we could see a direction. that job came and we moved, thankful for work, to minnesota. so now that we are here, how come i am so miserable. for so long, i thought things would get better - that it would be easier to work and be away from my babies and to balance a life that often feels like a juggling act. i feel tonight that the time has come for me to say 'out loud' that it is not easy. in fact, i think it's impossible. i feel bad all the time - if not about leaving the kids, then it's about not doing the laundry or wash or yard work...you get the drift. sometimes, it seems, that God's gifts are not always what we want....maybe it's a 'be careful what you wish for' kind of thing.

finding my way through this mess is hard and knowing how to find the joy in these days is a challenge. i am embarrassed to be back at the start of things. back where my prayer is, again, to find direction - except this time, my prayer is to understand the lesson in what we have experienced over the last year. i want to listen and learn and see the result of this effort. but more than anything...i want to be at home, with my babies. i want to be the mom that i know i can be. i want to see my kids faces in the morning and not hear them cry when i leave. i want to know what they eat for lunch and when they have poopy diapers. i want to kiss them when they hurt and be present as they experience the things that shape their character....i don't know how or when, but i am praying that this happens for me. i take comfort knowing that all things are possible through the One who loves me - even if i am clueless.

thanks for being 'with' me in this and i ask for your continued prayers!

be well all.