how embarrassing (and awesome).

tonight i made a total ass of myself. and i did it on purpose.

lately, i have been dying for something that is just mine...something that resembles the 'me' that i used to be. so tonight, i auditioned for the a community theatre musical...and it was...hilarious...and bad...and awesome.

after stressing all day about whether or not i would actually go, i finally decided that i would just do it...i mean really, what did i have to lose?

so without the appropriate materials, sheet music, or preparation, i set out for the audition. when i pulled into the parking lot, it was packed with cars and i immediately felt ill. so i did like any sane person would...i turned around and drove right on out of the lot. i made my way down the street and finally pulled into a lot...and i sat there.

you see, i could have easily driven home and excused myself from the whole situation for countless reasons. i am not a singer, i didn't have time to prepare, i have a cold...really no one would have even asked me twice to explain. but i just kept thinking...i want a life outside of the five people that i love most. i do love them so much...but i love me too...and i need something that makes me feel...like something other than someones mom. and on top of that, i want my kids to see that moms and dads can do things other than parent. that it's ok for us to have friends, a job, a life that is separate from the things that involve them...and so i put the car in reverse and i drove back down the road. to the full parking lot. i parked. i got out. i went in.

when i opened the door, i could hear the lovely voice of a woman already auditioning...she was amazing. gulp. and as i filled out my application, i heard person after person kill their songs...they were impressive to say the least...head shots, resumes, and all. i almost peed in my pants at the thought of what was coming for me...and for the directors.

i took out the wallet sized picture of myself that was taken four years ago, my handwritten application, and my last bit of bravery and i walked to the waiting room. thoughts about making up some excuse (ummm, one would have been SO EASY to come up with) to get the heck outta there were running through my brain...but i just kept asking myself 'what do you have to lose?'

and the truth is, there was nothing to lose for me...but what i could gain was really powerful. i just wanted to prove to myself that i could do it. but waiting in that room, listening to all of the people singing so wonderfully...i wanted to run.

when my turn came, i walked in, and said hello to the panel of directors. without thinking, i explained that while i had a diaper in my purse, i did not have sheet music. they laughed and i took a breath. i said to them that as a mom of four kids, i just wanted to be there for me...to do something really daring. and with that, i sang my song...twice. and then i breathed again, smiled, and left.

even though i know that my chances of actually getting a part are about as good as a snowball in my broiler, i am just so proud of myself for trying. that's all i asked of me and i did it. i made a complete fool of myself, but at least i showed up. at least i parked. at least i got out and at least i walked in. the point was not to be rewarded with a part, but to be rewarded with a story...an experience. because this is my life, and i don't want to regret the things i didn't do.

all in all, a pretty successful (and brave and scary and hilarious and embarrassing) night for me.

i remember this feeling...and it's good.