a first.

most new moms get the first smile...the first steps...the first words. with sophie, we didn't get any of those things. not even her first birthday. but the things we experienced, and continue to experience, are better because they're ours.

sometimes i think about the days soon after we brought our first daughter home from korea. i wanted so much to be the one she loved; for her to feel like my baby, but to be honest, sometimes it was hard. she didn't speak a word of english at 13 months so communication was hard. when she did speak it was in korean. she would walk around our house, looking in the kitchen, in the bedroom, in the bathroom searching for her 'um ma'...her korean foster mom and the only woman she had ever known or loved. i know she missed her so much. sometimes when i wanted to comfort her, i would call her by her korean name, na ra, and when i did, she would stare at me as if begging me to tell her what had happened and more importantly, how it could be undone. those first weeks were beautifully difficult.

in the midst of feeling so joyful in having our baby girl with us, i was so sad for her and so overwhelmed at trying to love her through the loss of her old life.

about three weeks after she came to us, i had an experience that i think i will always remember; something that still means so much.

she had woken up in the middle of the night. scared or hungry or just out of habit. i walked into her room and picked her up from her crib and sat down in the rocker. as i was rocking her, i whispered to her about how much i loved her. it was quiet and dark and lovely. just me and her. out of no where, sophie looked at me and smiled. she sat up and gently grabbed my face and gave me a kiss. a first. and with that, she felt mine.

the days and months that followed were filled with challenges, but slowly, she forgot about her 'past' life and she fell in love with us and if at all possible, we feel even more for her, too. her personality bloomed and our little girl was reborn.

it was from her rebirth that our family began. everything we have now, began with her.

sophie starts kindergarten in one week...and i'm finding it hard to believe that my girl is growing up and away. but i am finding great joy in the memories of all of our firsts...and with sophie about to conquer the world of elementary education, i am certain i'm in for a great deal more.

i'm gonna miss this...really i am

i recently read the post of a very prominent blogger and it got me thinkin'. in it, she talked through the challenges that she is faced with daily as the mom to five very small people. i could instantly relate. there are some days when i don't think i can fill another drink cup or wipe another sticky face...but the truth is, i can and i will.

even more, when my time comes to write checks instead of lunch notes to my sweet babes, i know i will miss the ol' days. (although at this very moment when 50% of my children are crying as matt tries to get them in bed, it's hard to believe i'll miss it!)

i've been taking mental notes all day about some of my most favorite things about being a mom to young ones...special things that i know will be mourned...

1. being the only one that can translate casey's language...it's like we have a mind meld
2. sophie's award winning hugs that just engulf me
3. ellee asking the same question 16 times in a row
4. the smell of my sweet baby nora
5. ellee's made up songs that she sings in the company of anyone at any moment
6. sophie's ability to try new things and immediately succeed
7. casey's dancing
8. secrets from my daughters
9. brushing ellee's hair...she has great hair
10. my kids truly believing that i have eyes all over my body and can see them even when i'm not looking
11. the exchange of hearts at every departure
12. a child climbing into my bed at night so that i can comfort them after a 'mean dream'
13. watching the kids wrestle and run with matt
14. walks with the kids
15. sprawling days that are all ours
16. grocery shopping helpers
17. loud dinners
18. folding tiny shirts, shorts and onesies
19. special occasions
20. hearing about the best part of their days each night at dinner
21. hearing ellee whisper 'i can do it' as she tries new things
22. the fact that every time sophie and ellee have to go potty, no matter what, they have to tell me
23. watching them wave to me at the window when i leave
24. feeding my babies early in the morning
25. i have about 36,000 more things...but i still have 50% of my children crying and i'm pretty sure that matt is only about 34% sane at this point...maybe #25 is just feeling needed. every single day they need me.

what will you miss?

my retraction...of sorts.

have you ever said something and immediately worried that the sounds that just came from your mouth were not what you meant them to be...as if there was a serious disconnect between what was happening in your brain and what your mouth decided to say? well...that's how i feel about my post yesterday.

i read and re-read that sucker all day....and it just isn't right.

the truth is, i am horrible at starting new things...and am equally bad at ending old things. believe me, my prayer for myself tonight is that i can get over my own self and enjoy the blessing of being home...and after today, i am excited!

it was a wonderful day filled with ordinary activities. but not once did i check my phone for a phone call from work. never did my mind wonder to the tasks that would face me at the office...rather, i just enjoyed my family.

i remembered, today, that my job right now is caring for my babies. just loving them through their new adventures. with sophie starting kindergarten and ellee beginning preschool, they have plenty on their plates...and i refuse to let my own discomfort with transition affect them and how they face their own changes. an important realization, wouldn't you say?

what made the difference for me today? well, i just decided to have fun. and i'm planning to do the same tomorrow. i really just enjoyed my kids today...nothing fancy. finding those sweet moments in a mundane day was...true joy.

here's a couple of the random things i did today, on my first day as a full time mom:
1. woke up at 6:00am to feed my hungry baby....but when she was all fed at 6:30 and no other small people were awake...i went BACK to bed. freaking awesome.

2. i cut casey's hair...not well...but i did it. he's such a stud, he can pull off a bad haircut.

3. we went to visit auntie ramey, uncle brian and gma tammy! and they even volunteered to watch the crew while i went clothes shopping to stock up on school duds for soph! kid-free shopping? yes, please.

4. i chilled with matt in the afternoon. nice.

5. we packed up and headed to gma and gpa whalen's house for a farewell party for kevin (back to cali for my lil' bro)...all the whalens under one roof...that had been a long time coming (and we even got pictures to prove it!)

6. i put my sweet my sweet faced little ones to bed...and i said 'i can't wait to spend the day with you tomorrow' and they smiled. and drifted off to dreamland.

7. i picked up my house. some things never change.

8. i made lunch for the love of my life...and i even prepped the trash for him so that his morning routine would be a lil' easier. ahhh....

9. i blogged. (see, i blogged)

no ordinary work day has been better than this ordinary day at home...i count myself lucky. and tonight, i would rather be lucky than employed.

i have no job. but i do have work.

so the thing about not having a job to go to...well...it's pretty awesome...but it's also wicked scary.

now that i have the chance to be at home for a stretch (have you heard?!), i am finding that there are two sides to this metaphorical coin. one the one hand, i'm so excited and feel so blessed to even have this chance...but there are these moments that it's hard not to focus on the flip side...the reality that when someone asks me what it is that i do, my answer will be 'i stay at home with my kids'.

the truth is, i am actively searching for another job...something that works better with our family's schedule and that would max out at about 20 hours per week...so i feel a little like a cheat considering this is only a 'short term gig' but still...it feels like the days where i am career focused are gone. like the time when i found fulfillment in an accomplishment at work are distant. and it scares me.

my whole life, i have put so much value on the success that is easy to come by in the working world. when you're a good employee, you get a raise, or a big office, or a promotion. that is the beautiful and uncomplicated tangible truth. but when you're a good mom, what do you get? you still end the day with a load of laundry and sticky hands.

the dichotomy of what i'm feeling makes me want to punch myself in my own face (ok, not really, but you get what i'm saying, right?). i feel like i have been dreaming of this day since 2006 when we brought sophie home from the airport, but three more children later and now that it's here, i wonder how i will settle into this role of 'stay at home mom'.

why, i wonder, can't i just be happy? i think about it all the time. my whole life i have put so much value on the prestige of my work, and now that my work is the task of raising my little people, why does there seem to be so little value? and definitely no big office.

my secret is that i want to feel like i'm important (eeek...is that ok to say? i hope i'm not alone). i want to feel like i contribute to society...and while i have always longed to be at home with my kids, for an equal amount of time, i have realized that the work of raising children lacks, for me, a feeling of importance. not to be mistaken for fulfillment...that's a whole different ball game, but importance. the sense that what i am doing matters to anyone outside of my own household. of course my kids love me (and of course i adore them more than anything) and i know that what i am giving them is an amazing gift...but they don't know it yet. and maybe they never will. it's only now, as an adult, that i can recognize the huge sacrifices that my parents made for me in terms of their 'life outside of being a parent'. sometimes, as i fill their drink cups and change their poop filled diapers, it just doesn't feel important. it feels...mundane.

even in the mundane, though, there is always joy. and love and laughter and i am grateful. so how does this all come together?

recently, i have struggled with the balancing the joy that is present within parenting with the desire for it to translate into my overall sense of purpose...and here's why. a lot of the time i am operating on auto-pilot. shocked? yeah...not so much. somewhere along the way, between my work, my husband, my family, my dog, my house, my car, cooking dinner and fetching the mail, i have kind of forgotten what it is that i like to do. if someone asked me what my hobbies are or what i do in my spare time, i don't think that any of my answers would include anything fun. my spare time is filled up with tasks that keep my life moving forward. laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning the vents, and killing rouge flies that taunt my sweet ellee. and the thought of plucking myself out of my 'normal' life and trying to engage in something that is just for me, seems like crazy talk. but it shouldn't. this auto-pilot mode has kind of blinded me to the fun i am about to have. i'm so excited to spend some time with my kids...and to spend some time with myself...because when i can do that, i know it will help to make me a better mom, wife, sister, friend...just a better and happier person.

am i still scared? absolutely. but tomorrow i will wake up and i will feed my kids, get them dressed and we will go about our ordinary day. i'm excited and scared...and maybe more than anything, i am eager. i'm smart enough to want to get from this every good thing that i can...because the day will come that i will remember the moments that are collected over then next chapter of my life and when that day comes to remember...it will feel so important.

our lovely day in 3x5s

i love this picture...it's the real 'us'. ellee is crying, casey is trying to show me a car, matt is looking off into the distance, sophie is posing, and i am taking a picture with a baby strapped to my body. i wouldn't have it any other way.

casey playing outside with this man's best friend...his cars.

dad and two of his ladies.

i carried nora in the trusty ol' moby wrap on our long walk to a new park...she was tuckered out by the end of our trip and fell fast asleep. this prompted matt to ask me about every 36 seconds if i was sure that she was still alive. she was.

the diggers....here's matt teaching sophie how to fling it at people. i'm certain this will be a big hit in kindergarten.

dad and nora.

what a girl.

silly faces in our backyard.

dad and sophie strike a pose.

watch out world...here come the schans laaadies.

eb...oh boy, does she ever have a smile that'll knock you right over.

our lil' princess.