last weekend, matt and i were preparing for a tough week. on monday, i was to return to work and seemingly our life was going to go from hard to nearly impossible. personally, i had been wrestling with my fear and sadness about this inevitable day throughout my entire maternity leave. and this alligator was taking me down. i wept and sobbed and ached for something different than the reality of what was facing me in the days ahead.
including my brief stint on bed rest, i was home, full time with my kids, for 10 weeks. never since becoming a mom had i had so much time to soak up my family. throughout my pregnancy, i imagined a magical experience and for the most part, i got it. although my time at home looked so much different than what i had pictured it would, still it was nothing short of amazing to just sit with my family and watch them. to learn about them in a way that is only possible when you are with them all the time. my kids are individually stunning and as a pack, powerful. each one holds more influence than i had recognized and to have the chance to connect with each of them over the course of these past two months was truly a leave of absence. while i was gone from my reality, i was present for them and that was magic. sleep deprived beauty.
so to know the end was coming felt like a death. it was the passing of the days when i could be 100% mom. while matt encourages me to 'leave it at work' i don't think it's possible and i don't think it's what we're called to do. no matter how good or bad the situation at work is, it's with me and like it or not, it impacts me. and in this case, on that weekend, the weight of it felt (and sometimes still feels) too much to bare.
on that saturday morning, i was deep in my own head. thinking and praying constantly for the peace i needed. just as i have done a million times, i happened to glance out the back window. this time i noticed a small brown dove perched on out swing set. alone, it just sat. it was still and looked to be at home having found its purpose. without even thinking i said to matt maybe that's my sign. we chuckled and thought it was cool enough for matt to snap a quick picture. without much more to that moment we moved forward.
throughout the next couple of days though, i kept thinking about that bird. maybe that's my sign. why would i say that? but thinking about that silly, ordinary bird only sparked a flood of other thoughts...it's ok...this is not forever... i can do anything ...i'm not alone in this. somehow, that bird was helping me long after he flew away.
monday came and as if i hit square into a brick wall, my world shifted abd i returned to work. life involves so many more elements today than it did just four days ago. pieces that i would rather let go.
on tuesday, my second day back in the real world, i was feeling overwhelmed as i sipped my coffee on the deck before leaving for work. sitting there, staring at the dove tattoo that adorns my left foot got me to thinking and it got me to praying a familiar prayer. it was before 7am and no one was awake yet. i sat and prayed out loud for god to give me the peace that i was still desperate for. that he just give me a sign that things would be ok. as the words were literally coming out of my mouth, that same brown dove from days before landed on the roof of my garage. what? it came from nowhere and landed as if he had arrived at his destination. he stared at me and i stared back; my mouth hanging open.
my sign came and so did the peace. i smiled.
many moments of panic have engulfed me since seeing my little birdie friend again, but all week, that moment has remained comforting. it's the cream in my bitter cup of coffee. god's what makes this good. he's what adds the balance that makes an otherwise intolerable drink the lifeblood of my days.
god is good. he sent me a sign to hold on to. and today i am clinging to it.
1 comment:
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them." Matthew 6:26
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