FAIL

today i was tired.

today i was overwhelmed.

today i failed.

my struggle began this morning when sophie wrote (scribbled a bunch of lines) in her diary ( an etch-i-sketch) dear diary, i wish that my mom never had to got to work again because then she could stay home and be with me forever. ugh.

later in the day, in an attempt to fill the afternoon void, i decided to bake with the girls. throughout our activity, the girls fought nonstop. they bickered the entire time about who was going to get to do what. who was going to use what fork. who was going to pour what ingredient in the bowl. really it was fine - they were just being kids - but because of sophie's diary entry from earlier in the day, i was annoyed and i let them know it.

once the bread was baked, the scones were done and everything was cleaned up, sophie asked me if her eyes and her skin would always look different than ellee's. these types of questions are not new and it sparked a familiar conversation where we talk about adoption and her birth mom and how it was ok to look different from other people. i told sophie that in any case, it was what was on the inside that mattered, not what we look like on the outside. she looked at me as if this was new information to her. oohhh she said. i thought, out loud, is this the first time i have said this to you?! as i thought about the situation, sophie continued. well, i do NOT want to be fat when i grow up.

what?!

where did my 5 year old get that idea?! my head immediately swirled with what evil tv show she had watched or what horrible classmate spouted this bull-honk in her presence. as i was swimming in my downward spiral into parental shame, sophie continued her life lesson for me by proclaiming mom, it is not pretty to be fat.

OMG.

almost like getting hit by a car, i thought about the hundreds of times i have stood in the front of the mirror and muttered something about looking awful. being fat. feeling ugly. i wanted to wretch as i pictured her behind me. watching, listening, learning.

what ensued was my futile attempt to correct her misguided thinking. another conversation about how being nice, caring, sharing and beautiful on the inside was what was most important. again, i asked her sophie, does it bother you that you look different than me? yes, she said. but only because my eyes get to wear eye shadow and hers don't. again i was frustrated and i acted like it.

i spent the rest of the day being harder on her than i should have been (please see the first three sentences of this post for additional factors in my poor parenting.) she didn't deserve the criticism that i dolled out or the extra attention i paid to the things she was doing wrong. yes, throughout the day, she had her ups and downs, but still, she is 5 and i am 32. i know better and i should do better.

sophie's difficult day ended in me yelling at her. once i had put them to bed, she was secretly whispering to ellee that there was a spider in her closet which was causing ellee to imagine her worst fears coming true (and can you imagine the screaming that comes from a 3 year old when she thinks her worst fears are coming true?) so i yelled at her. i told them both that i didn't want to hear one more word out of either of them and i stormed out of their bedroom slamming the hallway door behind me. and i didn't go back in.

5 minutes later, sophie appeared at the hallway door. she peaked around the corner and said quietly mom, ellee is asleep. right away, i could tell she was upset. upon hearing that she needed to go back to bed, she began to turn around and go. i stopped her. thank god.

when she turned around to look at me, she was fighting back tears.

by the time she got to me, she was in a full out 5 year old melt down; upset because i had yelled at her. we snuggled and i said all the things that needed to be said (including i'm sorry). in just a few minutes, she was calmed down and on her way back to bed. although it's over for her, for me, i am wrangling in such feelings of mom guilt that i'm certain this rodeo will go on all night.

the fact is, today i am dealing with my own stuff. stuff that has nothing to do with my 5 year old. stuff that she shouldn't have to be a part of, but today i reeled her in. while she's not off the hook altogether - calling your mom fat and torturing your sister are not ideal behaviors for a thursday, but she's 5. she's 5 and i'm 32. i know better and i should do better.

the fact is, sometimes being a parent is the hardest job that any crazy person could ever think up. there is never a moment that's mine. even when i'm not with them, they're with me. but if they can't look at me and know that i am an example of the kind of person that they should grow up and try to be like, then i'm doing something wrong. this is not to say that i am so awesome that my kids should want to be like me, but how can i tell my kids to share and then struggle with it myself? how can i expect that they be nice to one another when they see me being 'mean' to them? how can i tell my children, my daughters, that it's what's inside that counts and then stand in the mirror and express my disgust at what i see?

no pretty little bow on this one - today was hard. being a parent is hard. period. everyday i try to get better, and that's all i can do. but today, on this this thursday, i failed.