she found her thumb...

sometimes things suck...but what are you gonna do about it?

there's no doubt that transition is hard. but i'm not the only one going through something hard. (no one is alone is struggle - thank god, right?!) in fact, some of the coolest people i know have been through the ringer...or are dead in the middle of the ringer right now.

some days, work sucks. some days, being a mom sucks. some days, being a wife sucks. thinking back though...no one ever said any of these undertakings would be easy. (and it's a good thing because i think i would hunt them down and kick them in the throat.)

through these difficult and sometimes sickeningly stressful moments, i am really trying to learn something about who i am in the face of all this drama. i'm trying to get something out of this.

in my experience so far, i think two things are true in almost all cases. 1) the collective 'we' often keep our pain private. why, i wonder? i know that i would never have been helped, never would have seen the beauty in what others have offered, if i hadn't been able to talk openly about what's hard. (insert my unsolicited (and maybe (gasp) unwanted) encouragement to all those people who may be dealing with something sucky...talk about it! open up your mouth and say the words. be brave. it helps! god shows his face in the kindness and wisdom of the people around you. he will show you his hand if you show others yours (pssst...he already knows your hand). ok, i'm moving on).

2) i think that you have to choose to get something out of it. you have to work in order to find the good in what is otherwise crap. it is so easy to ask 'why me?' and to wallow in your despair wondering why the world has done you wrong . i have been there too and it's an ugly and empty pit. it leads nowhere. it's too darn dark in that pit to see what's real. making the choice to see god in what feels so bad was life changing for me. to see that challenges are not symptoms of bad choices was freeing. difficult circumstances are not punishments - we don't deserve to be punished and certainly don't follow a god who thinks otherwise (thank you sweet little 8lb. 6 oz. baby jesus).

in my experience, god intentionally challenges us...he needles us where we're most sensitive (for me it's patience...i am awful at patience) because he wants us to learn - to become closer to him by becoming better people. and once we have learned a little something from a difficult situation, then guess what, he's gonna needle us some more.

awesome, right? but without the challenging transitions that these last few months have held, i wouldn't have learned how beautiful my friends and family are in their ability to serve. even though it's been hard, it's been very educational (dare i say beneficial). i'm closer to him because i'm a better version of myself. that is awesome.

i'm choosing to work at this...and my work continues.

thank you...no no, i really mean it. THANK YOU.

over the last hand full of months, i have been so touched by the support i have been given by the people who fill up my life. my parents have shown love beyond what i could have expected. my friends have continued to be like family to me. people who i don't know, or hardly know, have surprised me in their generous support. whether people have commented on the blog, sent a card, brought me a cup of coffee or simply just talked to me, the tangible and intangible support of people has been amazing.

so much so, in fact, that i can actually see a change in myself (i know, i almost dropped dead from shock too. as usual, i skipped 'gracious' altogether and instead have fallen clumsily and somewhat begrudgingly backwards into change). there are still those times in my day when i feel like making a run for it, but instead i remember your words! i remember you telling me that i can do it. that i'm not going under. that this is not forever. i remember your kindness and your presence and i am so grateful. so grateful.

you, my friends and my community, keep me growing. you keep me from sinking. when i grow up, i want to be just like you. i want to be an encouragement to those around me because i know, first hand, what a difference it makes. you have me made me excited to serve - to be a active member of this body of christ - because of the service i have been on the receiving end of.

from the bottom of my heart, thank you. you have made a difference.

i just recently met my family, and it turns out they're great...and others knowledge-nuggets gleaned from my maternity leave

last weekend, matt and i were preparing for a tough week. on monday, i was to return to work and seemingly our life was going to go from hard to nearly impossible. personally, i had been wrestling with my fear and sadness about this inevitable day throughout my entire maternity leave. and this alligator was taking me down. i wept and sobbed and ached for something different than the reality of what was facing me in the days ahead.

including my brief stint on bed rest, i was home, full time with my kids, for 10 weeks. never since becoming a mom had i had so much time to soak up my family. throughout my pregnancy, i imagined a magical experience and for the most part, i got it. although my time at home looked so much different than what i had pictured it would, still it was nothing short of amazing to just sit with my family and watch them. to learn about them in a way that is only possible when you are with them all the time. my kids are individually stunning and as a pack, powerful. each one holds more influence than i had recognized and to have the chance to connect with each of them over the course of these past two months was truly a leave of absence. while i was gone from my reality, i was present for them and that was magic. sleep deprived beauty.


so to know the end was coming felt like a death. it was the passing of the days when i could be 100% mom. while matt encourages me to 'leave it at work' i don't think it's possible and i don't think it's what we're called to do. no matter how good or bad the situation at work is, it's with me and like it or not, it impacts me. and in this case, on that weekend, the weight of it felt (and sometimes still feels) too much to bare.


on that saturday morning, i was deep in my own head. thinking and praying constantly for the peace i needed. just as i have done a million times, i happened to glance out the back window. this time i noticed a small brown dove perched on out swing set. alone, it just sat. it was still and looked to be at home having found its purpose. without even thinking i said to matt maybe that's my sign. we chuckled and thought it was cool enough for matt to snap a quick picture. without much more to that moment we moved forward.


throughout the next couple of days though, i kept thinking about that bird. maybe that's my sign. why would i say that? but thinking about that silly, ordinary bird only sparked a flood of other thoughts...it's ok...this is not forever... i can do anything ...i'm not alone in this. somehow, that bird was helping me long after he flew away.


monday came and as if i hit square into a brick wall, my world shifted abd i returned to work. life involves so many more elements today than it did just four days ago. pieces that i would rather let go.


on tuesday, my second day back in the real world, i was feeling overwhelmed as i sipped my coffee on the deck before leaving for work. sitting there, staring at the dove tattoo that adorns my left foot got me to thinking and it got me to praying a familiar prayer. it was before 7am and no one was awake yet. i sat and prayed out loud for god to give me the peace that i was still desperate for. that he just give me a sign that things would be ok. as the words were literally coming out of my mouth, that same brown dove from days before landed on the roof of my garage. what? it came from nowhere and landed as if he had arrived at his destination. he stared at me and i stared back; my mouth hanging open.

my sign came and so did the peace. i smiled.


many moments of panic have engulfed me since seeing my little birdie friend again, but all week, that moment has remained comforting. it's the cream in my bitter cup of coffee. god's what makes this good. he's what adds the balance that makes an otherwise intolerable drink the lifeblood of my days.


god is good. he sent me a sign to hold on to. and today i am clinging to it.

FAIL

today i was tired.

today i was overwhelmed.

today i failed.

my struggle began this morning when sophie wrote (scribbled a bunch of lines) in her diary ( an etch-i-sketch) dear diary, i wish that my mom never had to got to work again because then she could stay home and be with me forever. ugh.

later in the day, in an attempt to fill the afternoon void, i decided to bake with the girls. throughout our activity, the girls fought nonstop. they bickered the entire time about who was going to get to do what. who was going to use what fork. who was going to pour what ingredient in the bowl. really it was fine - they were just being kids - but because of sophie's diary entry from earlier in the day, i was annoyed and i let them know it.

once the bread was baked, the scones were done and everything was cleaned up, sophie asked me if her eyes and her skin would always look different than ellee's. these types of questions are not new and it sparked a familiar conversation where we talk about adoption and her birth mom and how it was ok to look different from other people. i told sophie that in any case, it was what was on the inside that mattered, not what we look like on the outside. she looked at me as if this was new information to her. oohhh she said. i thought, out loud, is this the first time i have said this to you?! as i thought about the situation, sophie continued. well, i do NOT want to be fat when i grow up.

what?!

where did my 5 year old get that idea?! my head immediately swirled with what evil tv show she had watched or what horrible classmate spouted this bull-honk in her presence. as i was swimming in my downward spiral into parental shame, sophie continued her life lesson for me by proclaiming mom, it is not pretty to be fat.

OMG.

almost like getting hit by a car, i thought about the hundreds of times i have stood in the front of the mirror and muttered something about looking awful. being fat. feeling ugly. i wanted to wretch as i pictured her behind me. watching, listening, learning.

what ensued was my futile attempt to correct her misguided thinking. another conversation about how being nice, caring, sharing and beautiful on the inside was what was most important. again, i asked her sophie, does it bother you that you look different than me? yes, she said. but only because my eyes get to wear eye shadow and hers don't. again i was frustrated and i acted like it.

i spent the rest of the day being harder on her than i should have been (please see the first three sentences of this post for additional factors in my poor parenting.) she didn't deserve the criticism that i dolled out or the extra attention i paid to the things she was doing wrong. yes, throughout the day, she had her ups and downs, but still, she is 5 and i am 32. i know better and i should do better.

sophie's difficult day ended in me yelling at her. once i had put them to bed, she was secretly whispering to ellee that there was a spider in her closet which was causing ellee to imagine her worst fears coming true (and can you imagine the screaming that comes from a 3 year old when she thinks her worst fears are coming true?) so i yelled at her. i told them both that i didn't want to hear one more word out of either of them and i stormed out of their bedroom slamming the hallway door behind me. and i didn't go back in.

5 minutes later, sophie appeared at the hallway door. she peaked around the corner and said quietly mom, ellee is asleep. right away, i could tell she was upset. upon hearing that she needed to go back to bed, she began to turn around and go. i stopped her. thank god.

when she turned around to look at me, she was fighting back tears.

by the time she got to me, she was in a full out 5 year old melt down; upset because i had yelled at her. we snuggled and i said all the things that needed to be said (including i'm sorry). in just a few minutes, she was calmed down and on her way back to bed. although it's over for her, for me, i am wrangling in such feelings of mom guilt that i'm certain this rodeo will go on all night.

the fact is, today i am dealing with my own stuff. stuff that has nothing to do with my 5 year old. stuff that she shouldn't have to be a part of, but today i reeled her in. while she's not off the hook altogether - calling your mom fat and torturing your sister are not ideal behaviors for a thursday, but she's 5. she's 5 and i'm 32. i know better and i should do better.

the fact is, sometimes being a parent is the hardest job that any crazy person could ever think up. there is never a moment that's mine. even when i'm not with them, they're with me. but if they can't look at me and know that i am an example of the kind of person that they should grow up and try to be like, then i'm doing something wrong. this is not to say that i am so awesome that my kids should want to be like me, but how can i tell my kids to share and then struggle with it myself? how can i expect that they be nice to one another when they see me being 'mean' to them? how can i tell my children, my daughters, that it's what's inside that counts and then stand in the mirror and express my disgust at what i see?

no pretty little bow on this one - today was hard. being a parent is hard. period. everyday i try to get better, and that's all i can do. but today, on this this thursday, i failed.

i'm on the fence...

i'm not sure how i feel about the feedjit feature i added...is it creepy? (it's the tracking widjit on the right)

i have always wondered who stops in to check out this blog...but is it weird to have this crazy tracker business?

let me know...i'm happy to remove it it's too 'big brother'...or 'big mother' in this case.