detox

over the past year, i have been somewhat unknowingly existing within a sink or swim mentality. at this point last year, matt and i were just beginning transition to minnesota living. i had been offered a dream job at the university of minnesota and matt had found work that would allow him to stay at home with our precious babes. even more, we had found a house and we were seemingly beginning to make IT happen. i guess in my mind, IT meant that we would begin a life that was filled with contentment. we never, not even for a moment, thought that out life would magically become something different than it was - raising kids wouldn't get easier, but now that we had made the move, things would become more ....regular.

so i began to work...we moved into our house...matt began at ups...we looked for a church...you know, all the regular stuff that people do in order to begin...being....regular?

over the course of the year, i could feel myself becoming sad. the excitement of new opportunities began to wane while the reality of life set it. work was hard and it was long. the commute was stressful and money was tight. matt was tired...all the time. and who wouldn't be after working all night and then waking up early to be with the kids all day? i missed my friends - my community of support that i love like they are family. being away from them was proving difficult and the idea of replacing them with new friends seemed foreign and unimaginable. i began to grow a bit weary...not just tired, but weary.

i wasn't getting enough sleep at night and in response, i began to consume huge amounts of coffee everyday - ugh - did you know that while coffee will keep you awake, it cannot make you feel rested?!! i also continued to take my prescription lexapro. i had been prescribed it after i had casey for some post-partum anxiety and while my initial plan was to get off of it as soon as possible, it became really convenient to feel 'in the middle' about everything. not really happy, but not really sad either. when things within our plan to become 'regular' were not panning out...i was grateful to feel as little as possible about most things.

finally, work began to take more from me that what it was giving - by ten fold. i have never seen my calling change so swiftly as when i began working full-time at the u. all i did each day was feel badly about being away from my kids. i was miserable...and it was not long before we could not ignore what we knew to be true.

so three things... three big decisions:
1. i quit my job - kids are young only once and i decided to not miss it.
2. i stopped taking lexapro - feeling scared about things is better than feeling nothing.
3. i would break myself of my caffeine addiction - i love coffee...but too much of a good thing can turn against you! in my case, the need for coffee is a symptom of a bigger problem - being tired! my goal now is to stop with my need to have everything 'done' each day. when i'm tired, i'm gonna stop. the cleaning will wait. the laundry will be there. sleep will become a priority.

so... i have been in my own personal detox for about 10 days now. i started with quitting my job...and no offence to anyone working at the u, but it felt awesome! i will begin my new part-time position as the director of a christian pre-school/daycare on monday! i am relieved to have left a position that took my energy only to be blessed with a job working with christians in an educational setting!! my new job will allow me to work 12-6pm. while i will get home a smidge later in the night, i will have all morning everyday with my kids - we feel really blessed! while money will be tight, our cups will be full.

over the last week, i have stopped my medication and have cut my caffeine intake more than in half!! it feels amazing to literally see the fog melt away from my mind. i can focus on my children, my husband and ...gasp...myself. seeing my kids and loving them without restrictions has been beyond what i remembered. i feel tidal waves of emotion for them. it's lovely to feel great - out of 'the middle' to be sure. God has also allowed me to feel weak and scared and overwhelmed. poetically, the people i love and trust have been there to help me calm my fears when needed.

so...that's it. life, once again, is changing for the schans family. but for the first time in a long time, it feels like we are heading in the right direction. day by day, i am beginning to wonder if matt and i will ever be regular...to be honest, i doubt that we will. we may move 16 more times, we may take new jobs every three months, and we may have a family that looks very different than what we ever thought it would. and my response? great! eat my unconventional dust, 'regular', and while i try not to define my life, i would encourage others to do the same. it's a lot more fun!