i am a master builder.

my alarm blared this morning at 5am in the form of my 2 year old son screaming that he had dropped his passy and could not reach his arm through the bars of his crib to retrieve it. shortly afterward my sweet 8 month old woke up hungry and before i could finish feeding her, my older girls showed their bleary eyes to this 9th day in november.

i was tired but we began our day.

between breakfast, outfits, shoes, socks, and school bags, we hugged and laughed and snuggled. before too long, sophie and ellee were at school and casey and mom enjoyed time together while nora took her nap.

by lunch, ellee and dad made their way back to our nest and chicken nuggets were prepared and consumed. naps were had and the shopping was complete.

when dinner time rolled around, our house was loud. the sounds of four young babes playing, yelling, and watching cartoons had filled each of our small rooms. the amount of noise was challenged only by the size of the mess being made. unfolded laundry had become mountains for casey's cars. pajamas from the morning's rush were still laying where they were 8 hours before when my lil' ladies tossed them for more appropriate school clothes.

looking around, in that moment, i felt overwhelmed. i felt, as i do each time i lose control of these 1100 square feet and the 6 people who inhabit them, that i may just lose the fight. i truly take solace in those moments. that at 5:23pm, in kitchens around the country, there are moms that keep fighting. women who keep the bigger picture in mind. moms who keep moving forward. and then, knowing i am not alone in this, things seem a little easier.

i try to remember that some things just don't matter (laundry, mess, noise!). when dinner is in the oven, there is an end in sight. and that is good...and bad. i am reminded that when matt and i are 50, we will sit in our quiet, clean, house and miss the chaos that surrounds us now. and boy, that will be awkward.

when bed time rolled around tonight, everyone was sleepy. hugs were given and our day was ended.

i spent my night cleaning, watching some tv and thinking about the bigger things. november is adoption awareness month and so as i clean up the very milk that they spilled, my mind wanders to the miracle of the people who make up my family. i marvel at what i have been given...even on the longest and most stressful days.

it's almost unbelievable to me that sophie came home to us nearly 5 years ago. even more, that we have since had three biological kids. building our family was hard...but when is building anything ever easy? it's work. it's effort. it's intention. it's good.

now that i am pretty much a full-time mom, my work is to maintain what matt and i have built...raising good kids to become even better adults.

but, i am finding, this is hard work. sometimes when i am feeling insecure about staying at home with my kids, i think about sophie and what could have been for her life...and as crazy as it sounds, i want to be better for her. because she is always the best for us.

the truth is, sophie didn't end up in the best family, she ended up in her family. and it is as it was always supposed to be. that she be the greatest big sister to ellee. that she show ellee what it is to love a sibling so that ellee could show casey and so that casey could show nora. and i sleep easy at night knowing that they will always have each other...that together they are my greatest work. and, like any job, i have to work hard to be successful. it's work. it's effort. it's intention. and again, it's good.

the faces you see to the right of this post aren't just some kids...they are my kids. they are my worldly work...and i want to be good at my job.

i am thankful for the words of my partner in this...he recently told me it's worth it (to be poor. seriously, that's what he meant!) as long as i am happy and that our kids are getting everything they deserve. and if my future is anything like my first 32 years, my actual intentions will have very little to do with where i end up. so there's that.

for now, i will be home. i will work 15 hours a week at a coffee shop and i will dabble in community theatre. everyday, my four alarm clocks will blare and i will prepare breakfasts, find socks for 8 bare feet and the shoes to match them. i will clean kitchens and bathrooms and in doing so, i will build my cathedrals. i will sit on my front stoop late at night and i will thank god, out loud, for a life that i am living to the fullest. and i will encourage others to do the same.