stringing the words together...but not making much sence...

sometimes looking at the keyboard is overwhelming to me...like a writer looking at a blank piece of paper, i imagine.

it's not that i don't have things that i want to talk about, but recently, i have begun to wonder how it is that the many thoughts swirling in my mind can become one or two coherent topics. even more, topics that people actually care to read about? it's overwhelming.

over the last week or so, i have had a couple of conversations with people about the purpose of blogs - more specifically, THIS blog. why do i do it? what should my posts be about? should i stick with family updates or am i allowed to insert some 'deep thoughts by shannon schans' entries too? the perspectives of others has proven more confusing.

see, i struggle adding anything other than family updates now-a-days because it feels really self-indulgent to me to assume that anyone cares two iotas about what i say about anything. you know what i mean? who cares what i think about relationships, politics, faith, life? a friend offered that often, others will look to blogs for insight that can help them shape their opinions - my initial response was to wonder if, in my current state, i wanted that responsibility at all. hmmmm...

after going around and around about the content of this blog, i realized that my inability to make this small decision and my tendency to be so hard on myself in regards to content of my entries come from a much larger frustration. in things much greater than this blog, matt and i continue to be...less than certain. not at all about each other or anything like that, but each in our own way, we wonder about our current situation, where we'll 'end up' and how it will effect those people who we love the most. and now i find that this indecision is spilling out into areas of my life that once i had no issue with. does that ever happen to you?! when you see a part of your life shifting, you lose trust that other aspects will remain steady?

ok ok...i have no end to this post other than to say i am cutting myself some slack on this one. today, i am certain of only a handful of things - one is that i am sure i will continue to say things on this blog that are totally shannon-centric. things that are just for me - my opinions, my thoughts and my views on what's happening in my world. the beauty is that if people come to this place and only want to read about the kids, they can skip the posts that don't interest them! :) ahh....free will...the gift that keeps on giving!

what's more, i plan to be fully 'me' in the way that i talk about being a mom, a wife and a christian because really, that's how I get anything out of this...by reflecting on the sequence of words that appear on the screen - maybe it's MY opinions that are shaped the most by what i reflect upon here and not anyone else.

my other certainty is this - i'm having a baby in two and a half weeks. because that's the case, i think i'm allowed to be 'uncertain' about some things. phew...grace AND with free will? thank you, God!

i'm hanging in there...and i'm thankful for everyone holding me up.