i don't wanna complain, but...

(first, because i know you're wondering, the answer is yes. i am still typing from underneath my christmas tree. stupid stupid computer. however there are now needles stuck under my space bar making it very hard to 'make it work' ala tim gunn. soooo, that's...unfortunate.)

today was rough. it started bad and just went down hill from there.

we missed church even though we tried HARD to get there. we argued. we ate crappy food. i did laundry. i cleaned. matt wrested with the children all day. everyone was loud but no one was happy. and sometimes, i think it's ok to just talk about how sometimes things suck. i know complaining doesn't change anything, but that's not really the point.

while it goes without saying (because i always say it) that i know i'm blessed. i know i have a wonderful children, a loving husband, a roof over my head. blah blah blah. sometimes things still seem overwhelming and they make me want to pack a bag and run.

i am left wondering tonight, as the last one standing at my all-day-pity-party, why is it that the hard choices we have made in building this life have left us with so many more hard choices? so many. and why do so many of these choices revolve around money? why, when we should be focused on our own well-being and of the well-being of the people who fill up our lives, are we (and i mean the collective 'we' here) force-fed an ideal (a lexus for christmas? really? how about some underpants without holes?) that the average family cannot achieve in a way that sanctifies the family? today, i am just sickened by it. because, hey, i would like a lexus. but i can't have one.

i know it's the best thing for my family that i be home mostly full time with my kids...i know it. but i am sad that me staying home to care for my family (which is WAY harder than any other job i have ever had) means we are forced to save and scrimp and struggle to just survive from month to month. there are no vacations from this reality and guess what? that sucks because today i needed a vacation. bahumbug.

being a mom means constant trad-offs. when i worked full-time, i missed so many little things that added up to the big picture...i was missing my life. and that, for me, was awful. but now that i'm home, i miss the income i once contributed. to be honest, i miss more than just the bennies. i miss feeling important. i miss wearing nice clothes and hotty shoes. i miss making decisions that had more to do with policy as opposed to the decisions i make today. will that be peanut butter or salami? water or milk? poopy or potty? i miss being connected and feeling a part of something. this is hard work i do now, and sometimes it feels incredibly lonely.

all of these struggles make me miss my girlfriends. the women i go to who make me remember that i am a part of something bigger than my son's bowel movements. they make me feel important...even without my fancy shoes. missing them makes me want to move to where they are...like today. because even after 2 and a half years, i still miss them like i would miss my right arm. i don't think getting used to being lonely should be anyone's end-goal, amen?

that's it. now it's late and tomorrow is here. here's hoping it sucks less.

this is what i am obsessing over today.

while i do everything i can to keep some perspective, sometime things around here are just annoying. they're not bad and they're not good. they're just...annoying.

like when casey wakes up in the morning, he forgets that in order to use any of his (new!) words, he actually needs to open his mouth as opposed to keeping it fully closed while trying to tell me that he wants cheerios for breakfast. or when some rudy-tudy mom at sophie's school gets all up in my business about me 'taking her parking spot' in the madness that is after-school pick-up. or when the doors on the van freeze shut while i am in the grocery store so that when i come out with a fully loaded cart at 11pm, i am forced to go back in to the store, find an employee, and beg them to find me a bucket so that i can pour hot water over the door frames in order to gain access to my vehicle.

but this one...this one is seriously annoying. the charger on my computer is broken - again - and it is seriously jacking up my entire computer....and sadly, my entire life. again, i am trying to keep things in perspective, but this is, well, annoying. after messing with said cord for a week straight, one afternoon i simply got up, put the computer on the ground, and walked away. when i returned, i was thrilled to see that it was somehow charging. right there. right under the tree.

i was thrilled to steal the brief moments i thought this position would give me. i laid on the ground and surfed the web without a care. one day of this situation turned into two which turned into seven. now, eight days later, i am like a cord nazi. my children are keenly aware that they cannot touch the computer that is precariously perched under tree. matt, too, uses the computer only in the case of emergency and always very carefully...god forbid HE be the one to lose the beloved charge.

you can see in the picture below that needles are beginning to fall on my lil' ol' computer. they are getting stuck on in the keyboard and making some of the letters hard to use. any sane person would move the computer...but not me. i vacuum around the cord. i guard the cord during playtime. the 'christmas computer' even makes an appearance in our christmas card this year...it's there, behind the children, under the tree like an early christmas present.

but this is no present. it's purgatory...waiting for someone to bump it and for the charge to disappear. waiting for my vacuum to accidentally suck up the cord. waiting for sap from the tree to drip into all the keys. annoying. as you can see from the picture below, this situation is getting ugly.

while i am a realist in so many facets, i do hold out hope that somehow, santa (the real no-strings-attached-bring-me-a-present-at-no-cost-to-me-fat-man) will come to my house this year. and that he will leave for me a new laptop. one that has a battery life of more that 4 minutes. one that charges when plugged in. one that can upload pictures faster than i could etch-a-sketch them. i'm pretty sure that rich people donate computers like this to local libraries (i may check that out tomorrow).

santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight...because my patience is fading and i have found that living and dying by the location of my children in relationship to a cord is dysfunctional.

a girl can dream, am i right?

my day with big turkey.

here's me and 'big turkey' (ellee named him) at our date with destiny. it's 3:30am and i had just pulled him from his brine bath, stuffed him with delicious dressing and tied his legs together...i think it was a good time for both of us.

a little salt and pepper for good measure. it's like make-up for turkeys.

the sun has come up and we are waiting for the big reveal...stuffing getting ready....mmmm....stuffing.

here's matty pulling him out...this is the moment of truth!

our date was fun, big turkey, but now it's time to say good-bye. i just hope he tastes as good as he looks!

happy thanksgiving to everyone! big turkey is just one of the countless things we are thankful for today and everyday! be blessed and enjoy!

happy thanksgiving...ellee style.

november is adoption awareness month

when you were a little girl, did you imagine meeting your baby in an airport? me neither. but...in this picture, does it look i care where i am? i only see her. and she only sees me.

from this moment forward, we were family.

we were not together yet when this picture was taken. but on 7/9/05, matt and i were talking about adoption...within hours of when this picture was taken, i told matt that we needed to move fast because our baby was waiting for us. isn't god incredible?

on 7/14/05, we decided to make it happen. we had no idea how it would come together, but after years of trying to begin our family, we had done it. i instantly felt like i could not work fast enough to get our baby home. like every day that passed was wasted time. on 10/12/05, we received our referral. we laid our eyes on the first images of our sweet sophie.

over the six months from when we accepted her referral to when she came home, we received 3 updates that chronicled our baby's first year.

we could tell, even from the picture, that she was special.

she was lovely.

and tiny. when she came home, on 4/25/06, she was 13 months and she weighed only 17 pounds. (nora is 8 months and easily pulls in at 21 pounds.)

this is sophie on the infamous 'kss rug'. every baby that lives in/comes from this particular orphanage gets their update photos taken on this very rug. sophie lived at kss until she was 6 months old. she was then assigned a foster family...she lived with a lovey woman, her husband and her daughter. sophie also lived with another foster child...he came home to his family on the same flight with sophie. his name is alex and he lives in ohio. in more ways than one, sophie is a part of something so much bigger than just her. i guess we all are.

when we got these pictures, i cried. it was so real to me that she was not a little baby and that i had missed so much. i would come to learn that in reality, i had missed very little and that every milestone i got with her was what was important. sure, adoption has it's challenges, but they pale in comparison to the good in it.

sophie was walking before she was nine months old. she spent most of her time indoors. when she first got home, she hated being outside and was terrified of grass.

she was so wonderfully cared for and so beautifully loved throughout her 13 months in korea.
by her birth mom. by her care-givers and nurses. by her foster family. by us. and by her heavenly father. she was never far from our minds.

we are blessed by her. and by adoption.

i think about sophie's birth mom often. sophie does too. when she asks about her, i am always honest. i tell her that she was meant for our family from the beginning of time. i explain that her birth mom loved her so much. i tell her that i couldn't grow her in my tummy, so her brith mom grew her for me and then, when it was time, she came home to us. and that we are so blessed. we talk about sophie's gotcha day in the same way that we talk about the days when ellee, casey, and nora were born. these are the days when i got to meet my babies. and sometimes these days mean different things for different people, and that's ok.

this is sophie with her foster mom. we pray for her too. she did an amazing job with our lil' lady.

she started off small, but her future was bright.

sophie was the start of all this. adoption is a gift and if you haven't thought about it for your family, you should. i'm just sayin'.

it's beginning to look a lot like...winter.

this morning we woke up to this season's first snow storm...it was coming down! nora's first glimps of the white stuff. sophie and ellee's first time digging out the snow pants for the winter. and casey's first squeal of joy while staring out the window watching it fall. it was awesome.

tonight, after the kids went to bed, matt and i went outside to shake the heavy snow off some of our branches. we ended up making quite a fine snowman. and that is why i love my husband.

matt's joke was that we were so desperate for friends in minnesota that we had to build one. ummmm...ha ha? ok...he's still a cute new friend.

here we are...the proud builders. (i do realize that you are looking directly up my nose, but, i don't care. so there.)

and a close up of our dear man. :) if you got some snow today, we hope you enjoyed it as much as we did!

i am a master builder.

my alarm blared this morning at 5am in the form of my 2 year old son screaming that he had dropped his passy and could not reach his arm through the bars of his crib to retrieve it. shortly afterward my sweet 8 month old woke up hungry and before i could finish feeding her, my older girls showed their bleary eyes to this 9th day in november.

i was tired but we began our day.

between breakfast, outfits, shoes, socks, and school bags, we hugged and laughed and snuggled. before too long, sophie and ellee were at school and casey and mom enjoyed time together while nora took her nap.

by lunch, ellee and dad made their way back to our nest and chicken nuggets were prepared and consumed. naps were had and the shopping was complete.

when dinner time rolled around, our house was loud. the sounds of four young babes playing, yelling, and watching cartoons had filled each of our small rooms. the amount of noise was challenged only by the size of the mess being made. unfolded laundry had become mountains for casey's cars. pajamas from the morning's rush were still laying where they were 8 hours before when my lil' ladies tossed them for more appropriate school clothes.

looking around, in that moment, i felt overwhelmed. i felt, as i do each time i lose control of these 1100 square feet and the 6 people who inhabit them, that i may just lose the fight. i truly take solace in those moments. that at 5:23pm, in kitchens around the country, there are moms that keep fighting. women who keep the bigger picture in mind. moms who keep moving forward. and then, knowing i am not alone in this, things seem a little easier.

i try to remember that some things just don't matter (laundry, mess, noise!). when dinner is in the oven, there is an end in sight. and that is good...and bad. i am reminded that when matt and i are 50, we will sit in our quiet, clean, house and miss the chaos that surrounds us now. and boy, that will be awkward.

when bed time rolled around tonight, everyone was sleepy. hugs were given and our day was ended.

i spent my night cleaning, watching some tv and thinking about the bigger things. november is adoption awareness month and so as i clean up the very milk that they spilled, my mind wanders to the miracle of the people who make up my family. i marvel at what i have been given...even on the longest and most stressful days.

it's almost unbelievable to me that sophie came home to us nearly 5 years ago. even more, that we have since had three biological kids. building our family was hard...but when is building anything ever easy? it's work. it's effort. it's intention. it's good.

now that i am pretty much a full-time mom, my work is to maintain what matt and i have built...raising good kids to become even better adults.

but, i am finding, this is hard work. sometimes when i am feeling insecure about staying at home with my kids, i think about sophie and what could have been for her life...and as crazy as it sounds, i want to be better for her. because she is always the best for us.

the truth is, sophie didn't end up in the best family, she ended up in her family. and it is as it was always supposed to be. that she be the greatest big sister to ellee. that she show ellee what it is to love a sibling so that ellee could show casey and so that casey could show nora. and i sleep easy at night knowing that they will always have each other...that together they are my greatest work. and, like any job, i have to work hard to be successful. it's work. it's effort. it's intention. and again, it's good.

the faces you see to the right of this post aren't just some kids...they are my kids. they are my worldly work...and i want to be good at my job.

i am thankful for the words of my partner in this...he recently told me it's worth it (to be poor. seriously, that's what he meant!) as long as i am happy and that our kids are getting everything they deserve. and if my future is anything like my first 32 years, my actual intentions will have very little to do with where i end up. so there's that.

for now, i will be home. i will work 15 hours a week at a coffee shop and i will dabble in community theatre. everyday, my four alarm clocks will blare and i will prepare breakfasts, find socks for 8 bare feet and the shoes to match them. i will clean kitchens and bathrooms and in doing so, i will build my cathedrals. i will sit on my front stoop late at night and i will thank god, out loud, for a life that i am living to the fullest. and i will encourage others to do the same.