i don't wanna complain, but...

(first, because i know you're wondering, the answer is yes. i am still typing from underneath my christmas tree. stupid stupid computer. however there are now needles stuck under my space bar making it very hard to 'make it work' ala tim gunn. soooo, that's...unfortunate.)

today was rough. it started bad and just went down hill from there.

we missed church even though we tried HARD to get there. we argued. we ate crappy food. i did laundry. i cleaned. matt wrested with the children all day. everyone was loud but no one was happy. and sometimes, i think it's ok to just talk about how sometimes things suck. i know complaining doesn't change anything, but that's not really the point.

while it goes without saying (because i always say it) that i know i'm blessed. i know i have a wonderful children, a loving husband, a roof over my head. blah blah blah. sometimes things still seem overwhelming and they make me want to pack a bag and run.

i am left wondering tonight, as the last one standing at my all-day-pity-party, why is it that the hard choices we have made in building this life have left us with so many more hard choices? so many. and why do so many of these choices revolve around money? why, when we should be focused on our own well-being and of the well-being of the people who fill up our lives, are we (and i mean the collective 'we' here) force-fed an ideal (a lexus for christmas? really? how about some underpants without holes?) that the average family cannot achieve in a way that sanctifies the family? today, i am just sickened by it. because, hey, i would like a lexus. but i can't have one.

i know it's the best thing for my family that i be home mostly full time with my kids...i know it. but i am sad that me staying home to care for my family (which is WAY harder than any other job i have ever had) means we are forced to save and scrimp and struggle to just survive from month to month. there are no vacations from this reality and guess what? that sucks because today i needed a vacation. bahumbug.

being a mom means constant trad-offs. when i worked full-time, i missed so many little things that added up to the big picture...i was missing my life. and that, for me, was awful. but now that i'm home, i miss the income i once contributed. to be honest, i miss more than just the bennies. i miss feeling important. i miss wearing nice clothes and hotty shoes. i miss making decisions that had more to do with policy as opposed to the decisions i make today. will that be peanut butter or salami? water or milk? poopy or potty? i miss being connected and feeling a part of something. this is hard work i do now, and sometimes it feels incredibly lonely.

all of these struggles make me miss my girlfriends. the women i go to who make me remember that i am a part of something bigger than my son's bowel movements. they make me feel important...even without my fancy shoes. missing them makes me want to move to where they are...like today. because even after 2 and a half years, i still miss them like i would miss my right arm. i don't think getting used to being lonely should be anyone's end-goal, amen?

that's it. now it's late and tomorrow is here. here's hoping it sucks less.