who doesn't want to be proud of the way that they are living their life? who doesn't want to look back on hard times and feel good about the way that they responded...to know that the words they said in a stressful moment were kind and loving instead if biting and blaming? to know that you were present as 'the mom' even when all you wanted to do was run and hide from everything.
as nora snoozes before her midnight meal, i am listening to some music on youtube and i am wishing i was better. (am i the only one who gets like this when i listen to music...it ALWAYS gets me thinking!) i wish i was better at being brave when when our backs are to the wall. better at listening to the whole story (no matter how long and rambling) that my kids are telling me instead of listening to the tv. better at being active and involved in my life instead of being tired and overwhelmed at everything that my day entails. tonight leaves me wondering if i will regret who i was when the chips were down...and i don't like it.
the reality is that i have a lot to learn about being...oh, i don't know...super mom. super wife. super christian. super friend. (or maybe...i just have a lot to learn about being super at being a mom, a wife, a christian and a friend...) just to make things hard, knowing i have so much left to learn can feel overwhelming and exhilarating all at once. part of me feels so badly defeated about my short comings while there is yet more of me knows how boring life would be i were good at everything by the time i was 32... (ok, now i'm rambling...stop listening to the tv...i'll get back to the point soon!)
perhaps the question i should be asking myself is is it enough to want to be better...to activly seek out improvements even while in the midst of struggle? i say yes...remembering that god doesn't demand of us perfection, only effort. but i wonder...who do we look to as earthly models of what we want to become? for me, the person i want to be is found not in any one person, but in the characteristics of so many people i hold dear.
i want to be a mom like kelli and nadia. i want to be a wife like tricia and a believer like ramey. i want to be an activist like laura and a friend like carrie. i want to be as brave as missy. i want to be passionate about my career like heather and brian. i want to love my kids until they're grown like my parents have done.
so...as i keep looking to those amazing and strong and brave and loving people in my life to continue to teach me ways in which i can be better, i am so grateful that i want to get better. i am thankful that my god-given desire to be a good mom and wife and friend is stronger than my desire to be lazy.
thank god i can be me...i can be imperfect and still be loved. i can continue to struggle and in that struggle be less than what i want to be. i can say hurtful things in a time when i shouldn't. i can be weak. i can be distracted. and through it, i am loved.
in a time that's hard, i'm so thankful...i am learning so much...i am richly blessed by the Lord God who created me in His image. in difficult moments, when i'm searching for something to be proud of...i know there's that. and tonight, that's enough.
2 comments:
wow. this hit me b/c ive been feeling the same. thanks for being honest
You sure have a way with words my friend. If we are truely honest with ourselves we all feel like that. We all want to be better and almost everything. There is a difference between contentment and being complacent. Or shall I say, two very different struggles. It's hard to experience contentment about our life and who we are without being complacent. I think you're right...it's about the effort. It's about the process of becoming better and not always the end result. It struck me as funny because when and if I become a mother, I want to be a lot like you! It's good to have people that you want to emulate but don't forget there are those that want to emulate you.
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