is this inappropriate?

growing up, we're taught that money is a taboo topic - not to be discussed outside the bonds of blood or marriage, and sometimes not even then. i wonder now, though, why?

every person i know has seen someone - some idiot that they went to school with or played sports with or knew in some way - make it big. they have the brains of your 4 year old, but the bank account of bill gates. while that reality remains frustrating for me, it has always been something that i have brushed aside...something that i could justify away by feeling so called to be in the profession that i have been in, be it a big paycheck or small one.

but - and this is a new and humbling 'but' - this is a new season for matt and me. one where we have made changes in our life that mean we get more time with the kids, but make significantly less money than we ever had. i am working part time in a job that doesn't mean much to me as far as a 'career' goes. matt works so hard and gives so much! while he is working toward something in the future - toward greater opportunity - for now, it is a gamble and it's hard.

while i know that these job-choices we made are for the greatest good and that it is a good choice to spend more time together as a family, when it's bill-paying time, how can i NOT wonder if these are the right choices - and not the selfish ones?

for the first time in our working life, matt and i are faced with real challenge when it comes to staying 'above water'. sure, we have had to save before - whether for the adoption, or a house - but this feels very different. for the first time, money is a hard thing to come by and this makes us worry and doubt and question. why is it that when storm clouds come, so do our ulcers? as a friend of mine said to me recently - when we know we will be provided for, why is it that we worry at all?

i wish i could trust that when God makes something so clear, it means it's right - even if it's so hard.

these choices have left me dealing with some difficult realities: yes, we have debt. yes, we have stress. yes, we are making hard choices. but our reality also includes the fact that we have food and we have a home and we have 3.5 beautiful children who love us and who are being molded by our greater presence.

even more - i am comforted that we are not alone in this in any sense of the word. we have many friends that face a similar situation - that are making similarly difficult choices. why, then, i wonder, is money such a taboo topic when it is so closely related to the choices that we, as chirstians, make for ourselves and our families? why do i feel so weird writing about it?!

hmmm...work through that one with me, will you?

just know that in the end, friends, we are praying for you. these days are not easy, but i am sure the reward is great. as i pray for you - will you all continue to pray for us too?

may we all be blessed in our hard choices and the consequences that follow.