i don't wanna complain, but...

(first, because i know you're wondering, the answer is yes. i am still typing from underneath my christmas tree. stupid stupid computer. however there are now needles stuck under my space bar making it very hard to 'make it work' ala tim gunn. soooo, that's...unfortunate.)

today was rough. it started bad and just went down hill from there.

we missed church even though we tried HARD to get there. we argued. we ate crappy food. i did laundry. i cleaned. matt wrested with the children all day. everyone was loud but no one was happy. and sometimes, i think it's ok to just talk about how sometimes things suck. i know complaining doesn't change anything, but that's not really the point.

while it goes without saying (because i always say it) that i know i'm blessed. i know i have a wonderful children, a loving husband, a roof over my head. blah blah blah. sometimes things still seem overwhelming and they make me want to pack a bag and run.

i am left wondering tonight, as the last one standing at my all-day-pity-party, why is it that the hard choices we have made in building this life have left us with so many more hard choices? so many. and why do so many of these choices revolve around money? why, when we should be focused on our own well-being and of the well-being of the people who fill up our lives, are we (and i mean the collective 'we' here) force-fed an ideal (a lexus for christmas? really? how about some underpants without holes?) that the average family cannot achieve in a way that sanctifies the family? today, i am just sickened by it. because, hey, i would like a lexus. but i can't have one.

i know it's the best thing for my family that i be home mostly full time with my kids...i know it. but i am sad that me staying home to care for my family (which is WAY harder than any other job i have ever had) means we are forced to save and scrimp and struggle to just survive from month to month. there are no vacations from this reality and guess what? that sucks because today i needed a vacation. bahumbug.

being a mom means constant trad-offs. when i worked full-time, i missed so many little things that added up to the big picture...i was missing my life. and that, for me, was awful. but now that i'm home, i miss the income i once contributed. to be honest, i miss more than just the bennies. i miss feeling important. i miss wearing nice clothes and hotty shoes. i miss making decisions that had more to do with policy as opposed to the decisions i make today. will that be peanut butter or salami? water or milk? poopy or potty? i miss being connected and feeling a part of something. this is hard work i do now, and sometimes it feels incredibly lonely.

all of these struggles make me miss my girlfriends. the women i go to who make me remember that i am a part of something bigger than my son's bowel movements. they make me feel important...even without my fancy shoes. missing them makes me want to move to where they are...like today. because even after 2 and a half years, i still miss them like i would miss my right arm. i don't think getting used to being lonely should be anyone's end-goal, amen?

that's it. now it's late and tomorrow is here. here's hoping it sucks less.

this is what i am obsessing over today.

while i do everything i can to keep some perspective, sometime things around here are just annoying. they're not bad and they're not good. they're just...annoying.

like when casey wakes up in the morning, he forgets that in order to use any of his (new!) words, he actually needs to open his mouth as opposed to keeping it fully closed while trying to tell me that he wants cheerios for breakfast. or when some rudy-tudy mom at sophie's school gets all up in my business about me 'taking her parking spot' in the madness that is after-school pick-up. or when the doors on the van freeze shut while i am in the grocery store so that when i come out with a fully loaded cart at 11pm, i am forced to go back in to the store, find an employee, and beg them to find me a bucket so that i can pour hot water over the door frames in order to gain access to my vehicle.

but this one...this one is seriously annoying. the charger on my computer is broken - again - and it is seriously jacking up my entire computer....and sadly, my entire life. again, i am trying to keep things in perspective, but this is, well, annoying. after messing with said cord for a week straight, one afternoon i simply got up, put the computer on the ground, and walked away. when i returned, i was thrilled to see that it was somehow charging. right there. right under the tree.

i was thrilled to steal the brief moments i thought this position would give me. i laid on the ground and surfed the web without a care. one day of this situation turned into two which turned into seven. now, eight days later, i am like a cord nazi. my children are keenly aware that they cannot touch the computer that is precariously perched under tree. matt, too, uses the computer only in the case of emergency and always very carefully...god forbid HE be the one to lose the beloved charge.

you can see in the picture below that needles are beginning to fall on my lil' ol' computer. they are getting stuck on in the keyboard and making some of the letters hard to use. any sane person would move the computer...but not me. i vacuum around the cord. i guard the cord during playtime. the 'christmas computer' even makes an appearance in our christmas card this year...it's there, behind the children, under the tree like an early christmas present.

but this is no present. it's purgatory...waiting for someone to bump it and for the charge to disappear. waiting for my vacuum to accidentally suck up the cord. waiting for sap from the tree to drip into all the keys. annoying. as you can see from the picture below, this situation is getting ugly.

while i am a realist in so many facets, i do hold out hope that somehow, santa (the real no-strings-attached-bring-me-a-present-at-no-cost-to-me-fat-man) will come to my house this year. and that he will leave for me a new laptop. one that has a battery life of more that 4 minutes. one that charges when plugged in. one that can upload pictures faster than i could etch-a-sketch them. i'm pretty sure that rich people donate computers like this to local libraries (i may check that out tomorrow).

santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight...because my patience is fading and i have found that living and dying by the location of my children in relationship to a cord is dysfunctional.

a girl can dream, am i right?